Have I Grieved Long Enough?

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     As I stood in front of my son's plaque, I looked at the Christmas decorations I had just put onto it. This was now the sixth holiday season without him. Six years without him opening presents by the tree on Christmas morning. Six years without holiday songs and hot chocolate and Christmas lights. Six years of wondering what our lives would look like if he were still here. 

    I now have two daughters that consume any additional time I have outside of work. The holiday season is spent baking cookies, making crafts, and looking at neighborhood light displays. We drink hot chocolate and watch Christmas movies together. We marvel at the magic of our Elf on a Shelf elves, Fonzo and Sparkle. My husband picks out their Christmas pajamas, and we stay up late wrapping their presents. Although I feel so unbelievably happy to have my rainbow daughters, I still find myself at Richard's plaque, wishing I could do all of these same things with him.  

    Is six years long enough to grieve my son? Should I stop hanging up his stocking on the mantle? Should I stop decorating his plaque for each holiday? Should I stop writing about him? Has enough time passed that I now make people even more uncomfortable because I haven't yet "gotten over" his death? 

    I will be honest and say that I still sometimes worry about how people view my grief. For years, Richard was the first thought I had when I woke up each morning. Now, he is often my last thought before bed. My grief has shifted and changed, but I have also grown with it. It will always be a part of me, just as my son will always be a part of me. 

    Richard is my son - my firstborn. I have two living children, but I have three children altogether. My daughters have a big brother. All of these statements will continue to be true, regardless of where I am in my grief journey. I will miss my son for the rest of my life, and because of that, I will continue to openly talk about him. 

    If you ever worry about how others view your grief, show yourself grace and compassion. If someone is being judgmental, it is likely because they have never experienced the same loss as you. And for that, they should be thankful. But you have the right to grieve however you see fit - openly or quietly. You lost a child, and for that, you are allowed to grieve as long as you want. For me, I have not grieved long enough. 

    If you are struggling this holiday season, you are not alone. 

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