Guest Post: Michele Benyo from Good Grief Parenting

This Guest Post comes from Michele Benyo is a Certified Grief Recovery Specialist®, early childhood educator and parent coach, and the founder of Good Grief Parenting.

I’m an educator at heart. I don’t say those words lightly. When I discover something that I enjoy I want to share my passion with others and lead them to look deeper—where the best pieces are—to discover things they may not see at first glance. Things they may not learn on their own, or from someone who doesn’t have the passion. 

So when I became a mom, it wasn’t long before I knew I had to go back to the University to get my masters in Early Childhood Family Education and become a parent educator. I graduated two months before my second child was born, and a year later I began what to me was the best job in the world. 

As an early childhood parent educator, I got to spend every day with parents—mostly moms and some dads—of children my children’s ages. I brought the information and resources on all topics regarding parenting in the early years, and they added their insights and wisdom. We shared joys and concerns, how-to’s and me-too’s, and I lived my passion of discovering motherhood with my beautiful first-born son and his adored and adoring little sister. 

LOSS OF DREAMS

Less than a year into this best-possible world, my life hit a snag. My precious 4 ½-year-old son was diagnosed with cancer. Tucked away in my family education studies at the U was one course that now took center stage. I had been so touched when my professor Ted Bowman shared about his work with families who experienced loss of dreams; I had no idea my own dreams would soon be shattered.

This was not at all what I had imagined. My dreams of a carefree childhood for a big brother and his little sister were replaced by two and a half years of hospital stays and health crises, compromised immunity that made play areas off-limits, parental attention diverted from the joys of childhood firsts and milestones to desperate attempts at normalcy and putting away of fears. 

My daughter was 15 months old when her brother was diagnosed. The first night her brother and dad were in the hospital she wandered around the house wailing, unable to be comforted. She felt our family trauma with every cell of her little being. As a toddler she made every effort not to rock the boat; she went through her twos and threes being far from “terrible” and even toilet trained herself. We made sure she spent as much time with her brother as possible, and she participated fully in our disrupted life without knowing how much brighter it was supposed to be. 

BECAUSE OUR CHILDREN ARE PRECIOUS

After a two-and-a-half-year battle, my son died. Over those two and a half years I continued to meet with parents of young children while their children played in the next room. We shared joys and concerns, how-to’s and me-too’s, all topics early childhood parenting, and a couple new ones that parents don’t want to think about, loss and grief.

I was an open book. How could I not be? This was my life, my two small children’s lives. When parents asked me how I could do this, how could I talk about toilet training, eating issues and discipline when my child was critically ill? Then—how could I talk about those things after my son died? My answer was that my experience only emphasized why this is all so important—toilet training, temper tantrums, sleep issues, and, above all, connection with our child. Because our children are precious, so very very precious. 

I never once broke down at work. As I write about it now, 20 years later, I do not know how I didn’t. When I occasionally got a bit teary I told them I was okay, and I was. Many of them shared with me their gratitude for the example that I was and for the parenting conversations we were able to have about real life situations they may not otherwise have imagined. Many told me they were better parents now because of my example and my sharing about the strength I got from my faith. Being with those parents was a good place to be during those difficult years of losing my greatest, grandest, most precious dream. 

THE YOUNGEST OF GRIEVERS

No doubt there were parents who were uncomfortable about my experience that brought them too close to a reality they didn’t want to think about, but they didn’t communicate that to me. My openness about my son’s diagnosis, our journey through his cancer, and his sister’s and my experience, enabled colleagues and parents to openly support me, and I felt that. So it’s interesting that the person who objected was the early childhood center director. She asked me to stop talking about my son, so within a year after my son died I left that teaching position. 

The rest of the story—the mission more important than my own as a bereaved parent who can make other adults uncomfortable simply by virtue of my experience—is my daughter’s story, the precious bereaved sibling left behind. When her brother died, she said to me, “Mommy, half of me is gone.” She was 3 ½. 

What is a mother to do when her child tells her half of her is gone? What is an early childhood parent educator to do? Supporting my young bereaved sibling through her loss became—and remains—my passion and my mission. I’m a voice for the youngest of grievers who don’t typically have the words my daughter did.

It took me 15 years to establish Good Grief Parenting. Much as I wanted to do it sooner, I found that I needed to get through my own parenting-to-adulthood journey first. The child who told me half of her is gone is grown and beautiful. I see her in ways no one else does or ever could. I see the uniqueness of who she is, a crucial part of her identity torn from her in early childhood, but so much of her goodness rooted in that very place—her strength, empathy, compassion.

CHOICES AFTER CHILD LOSS

I am an educator at heart, and there’s so much about child loss that others need to know. Being a voice for the youngest of grievers means I’m a champion for parents faced with parenting those young grievers while they themselves grieve the death of a child. Child loss is a loss that pervades the soul like no other loss while parents must live forward toward a future that no longer includes their deceased child. Nonetheless, that future is a choice. The mission of Good Grief Parenting is to equip parents with insights and tools to help their bereaved sibling—and themselves—heal, and to live forward toward a future bright with possibilities and even joy. 

Self-care is a first-and-foremost key piece for bereaved parents. In order to care for your child, you need to be sure you’re caring for yourself. For bereaved parents who work with other people’s children, self-care becomes even more important and more challenging. You are confronted with the loss of your own child every day in the bright faces of the children you teach and care for. Their daily lives represent your daily losses, all the moments your child will never have. 

Many grievers find that there’s healing in giving, and that’s a choice you make every day. Being a griever brings with it awareness of others’ grief and an expanded capacity for empathy. As a griever you’re a role model who can teach children healthy and helpful ways to experience loss and grief and to support one another. Giving in a way that honors and commemorates your child can be a teachable moment for children who will inevitably experience loss and grief. Through your work as an educator you can leave a legacy of the precious life lost in the young lives before you.

Michele Benyo's Bio:

Michele Benyo is a Certified Grief Recovery Specialist®, early childhood educator and parent coach, and the founder of Good Grief Parenting. After her 6-year-old son died of cancer, her 3-year-old daughter said, “Mommy, half of me is gone.” This heartbreaking statement defined Michele’s life purpose. Her mission is twofold: to help parents through the unimaginable challenges of parenting while grieving the death of a child, and to equip parents to meet the unique needs of a child who has lost a sibling in the early childhood years. The desire of Michele’s heart is to see families live forward after loss toward a future bright with possibilities and even joy.

https://linktr.ee/goodgriefparenting

www.goodgriefparenting.com